Here’s a sample of an email I received a few minutes ago. I noticed that it was full of long-winded writing, old-fashioned terminology and grammatical errors. Can you spot everything that’s wrong with it?
We are in receipt of your feedback dated last week, 3 March 2010.
We are sorry that we have delayed the sending of your requested document due to some mistakes in the information presented in it. Please be informed that our marketing dept is in review of your complaint and will respond soonest with your revised document.
We seek your sincere understanding for the delay and we offer our sincerest apologies for any unneccesary incovenience caused. We look forward to send you the latest document at the soonest.
Kindly contact our cust serv dept if you need any assistance in the meantime. Have a G8 day!
[Company Name omitted to protect privacy]
Here’s how I re-wrote the same letter in a modern, natural style:
Dear Mr. Wong,
Thank you for your feedback of 3 March.
I am very sorry to hear about the delay regarding your document. I have personally looked into this and learnt that some critical information is incorrect and needs to be updated. Our Marketing Team has been working on the neccessary updates to ensure that the document you’ll be receiving is accurate. I will have the document arranged to be sent to you tommorow morning.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience caused. Meanwhile, please give me a call if you need my help.